The Breathings of My Heart
by PurpleTides
Summary: Set during Season 10 of the comics, Fred encourages Faith to write letters to Buffy. To finally get all of the things she has been keeping inside of her off her chest. Including her love for the tiny blonde slayer. These are Faith's letters.
1. Chapter 1

The Breathings of my heart

Dear B,

I bet you never thought you'd receive a letter from me. I bet you didn't even think I could write. I bet you're wondering why I'm even writing to you. Though I suppose we get on better than what we used to.

Well, let me explain. I've been hanging out with Fred a lot recently. You know since the whole even uber vampire shit, went down? I bet soul boy filled you in. We beat Drusilla which was pretty fuckin kick ass if you ask me. I suppose Fred has kinda become my Red? I don't know. She thinks that me writing letters to you will kinda clear the air. Its supposed to help with my road to redemption. You threatened to beat me to death if i apologised but unless you get Red to zap you into London, I guess you can't do that. So.. I'm sorry B. For what I did, for London, for everything. I know it aint enough to erase the past and I bet you're still pissed about me taking in Angel and after finding out G-man left all his shit to me. I'm sorry for that too.

B there is so much bad blood between us but I suppose all I wanted was your approval. I was jealous alright? I lost everything when my watcher died and I came to you and you tried to help me but I was so fucked up B. Diana took me in after my crack whore mom disappeared and my dad was never the best guy to be around. I was fucked and you had this perfect little life. You had Red, X-man, G-man, Ms Summers and even fucking Queen C and wolf boy and I was just this fucking outsider looking in. i know its a poor excuse. I know. I'm just trying to explain everything. I understand if you don't wanna read this anymore and you burn it or throw it away. The road to redemption is a rocky path, B. I just want to try and make up for the past. I want to prove myself to the world. Be more than my mom, my dad, I just want to be worthy.

I saw Riley a couple of months back. I said sorry for what I did. It'll never be good enough but I had to. I know you're probably not happy with me bringing it up but I had to tell you. G-man tried to get me to do this a couple of times but I always chickened out. Big bad Faithy scared to write you a letter, how about that B?

I hope everyones okay over there. I know they probably don't give a shit if I wish them well but I do. Fred wants me to tell you to say hi to Angel and Red. Here I am trying to get everything off my chest and she wants me to say hello.

There is one last thing I have to tell you and my fucking hand is shaking as i write this.

Buffy. Once upon a time, a big bad broken slayer swept into a town named sunny hell, there she met a beautiful little blonde slayer named Buffy. They fought but slowly, over the time they spent together the big bad slayer realised she liked Buffy. Realised she loved Buffy.

Fuck, Buffy. You don't have to say shit back yeah? I don't expect you to write me back. I know you couldn't love me, like i loved you. I do love you, Buffy. We were never supposed to exist, not at the same time. Two slayers. Two different sides of the coin.

I'm going to be writing to you often. You don't want to read them, thats fine, just burn them or some shit. I hear thats therapeutic.

I hope you're well B.

If you need help against the uber vamp. I'm still in London.

I'll write soon.

Faith Lehane

P.S I'm sorry, Buffy.


	2. Chapter 2

Dear B,

It's Faith again. Its been a month since I sent my first letter. I ain't heard anything back. I'd like to think maybe you didn't get it. I did to begin with. Then Red called asking to speak to Fred. I tried asking Fred if Red mentioned anything about my letter to you but she got all fuckin' stuttery and shit. So I quit asking her questions. I hear things are progressing on your side though. You're thinking about working with military right? Just be careful B. The world around us is changing so fucking fast. We've been trying to beat the big bad on our side. Its fucking long and hard. Guess I missed out on this kinda shit when I was inside.

I think I know why you haven't wrote me back though, B. Well I know part of the reason. Fang told me about the bleached blonde wonder. You're dating him right? I want to be angry. I can see Spike's appeal. He's a good guy somewhere inside i'm sure. Angel told me he gave his blessing. i don't have any right to give anything like that, I'm not even sure if you fuckin' like me as a person B. I just want you to be happy Buffy. I never expected to get a letter back from you confessing your love or anything like that. Maybe, I just wanted something back. Somethings better than nothing right? Even if you'd just fuckin' spat on a piece of paper and wrote fuck you on it. Though i can't imagine you'd do anything like that. Spike's a vampire and we're hot chicks with super powers meant to slay them. I never understood the appeal but I want you to be happy. I don't think i could ever make you happy B. Maybe we might have had chance once upon a time. Maybe if i hadn't staked Finch. Maybe, if i hadn't become murderous and you were less self righteous (no offence), maybe we would have had a chance.

I felt you die, Buffy. When you saved the world and killed the hell God. Gloria? Glorious? Something like that. It was like someone had ripped out a part of my soul. I was laying on my bunk and then someone dug their hands deep inside me and pulled the most important part of my soul out. I never told anyone that. We always had a slayer connection. I could always tell how you were feeling. i could feel my body vibrate when you were close. I don't know if you ever could though. I don't know if its because you know, i love you or if its just because I was the official holder of the slayer line, since you died. I felt you coming closer to be when i came back to fight the first, when we met in the cemetery? I felt you walking up to me. i knew you were probably gonna punch me. I would have done the same thing.

I've never been good with feelings and shit, Buffy. My Ma wasn't the kinda woman who should have had a daughter and my fuckin' Dad was just useless. You know he actually came to find me a couple of months ago. Tried to get me to kill some guys who were after him. I didn't. Parents are supposed to make us who we are so no wonder I'm such a fuck up. Mrs Summers was the nicest person to me and I fucked her over too. i'm sorry Buffy. For what I did. i know i keep apologising and maybe one day you will get zapped her and you will beat me to death but I'm willing to take that chance. I heard about Dawn too. Sorry, Buffy. It must be hard to watch her going through all that shit. I wish I could help you. i wish i could. i'm trying to be better and i can't runaway from this fight. We're gonna beat this vamp fuck and we're gonna save London and the world. You do your part and I'll do mine.

But B, you know I'll come if you call. G-man rang me the other day and filled me in on everything, just say you know that its not Red telling Fred who's telling me like god damn Chinese whispers or something.

I hope one day maybe we can be friends B. Once again, you don't have to write me back. You don't even have to open the letter.

Just know Buffy, you need me, you call, yeah?

Faith Lehane


	3. Chapter 3

Dear B,

So its been a while. Two months I think. I'd apologise if i thought you were actually reading these and not just throwing them away.

I haven't heard anything from you in a while. Like through Willow and Fred. I hope things are improving and I hope you're not too mad at what I said about the bleached blonde warrior vampire. I was in love once you know B? I told you about him. Kenny, the drummer. Things were fucking good until they weren't. He was actually the drummer in a my favourite band, I mean we must have been dating around the time you and Fang started your love affair. Kenny or Killian, he was a good guy you know? Really good at what he could do. I loved him. I really thought we could be something you know? But as usual it went all the shit. He could create these things called Tupas? Tapas? Tulpas? I don't know, one of those. They're like fucking ghosts of your imagination. He was constantly followed by his dead fucking ex girlfriend, which sucked. Eventually it just got too much and then Diana..my watcher, she died and I found my way to Sunnyhell.

Diana. I never really told you about her. She was smart. She was strict. But she was my watcher you know? I never really had a family and she, well she was my family. She explained all the crazy shit that was happening. I still miss her you know, B? I wish I could have done more. I wish i could have saved her. But I couldn't and she's dead and I'm still a fuck up right? G-man was a good watcher for you. I'm glad we could bring him back, you know? Miss Post, Wesley. I don't know, Wes was a good Watcher, a little too much of a stick in the ass but you know, what its like. Not that I meant you have a stick in the ass. Fuck. I'm really not good with words B.

I keep apologising and I mean it. I wish I could travel back in time and change it all, but i can't. I guess we both could have done more. We both could have tried harder but I wasn't willing to listen and you weren't willing to share. I bring out the worst in you, B. Maybe, its better for you that I'm not hanging around and fighting the good fight with you. I wouldn't want to get you into trouble and shit. When we do work together though and we're both listening and shit, I think we make a damn good team. Maybe one day we can fight side by side again.

I hope everyone in the scooby gang are good?

Yours,

Faith Lehane


End file.
